I haven't posted here in a very long time.  I've been busy with other stuff, and I know that nobody really reads this.

Tonight I started something.

Terminal Hotness

Almost every campaign I've seen dealing with debilitating or terminal diseases has shown "sick" people in an attempt to  get our sympathy.

That's absolutely the wrong approach. The average person isn't sick; they can't identify with that person lying in a hospital bed.   Yeah, sure, it makes us all feel a little bit guilty.  But we don't want people to feel guilty.  We want them to be scared. People are really really good at rationalizing guilt.  They  suck at confronting their fears.

Terminal Hotness approaches the issue from two vectors.

1. This doesn't happen to "other people".  This doesn't just happen to people who are poor, or elsewhere, or (let's be honest) not pretty.
2. These people are stronger than you, healthier than you, prettier than you... They're doing everything right and it still hit them.   What chance do you have?

If you  have something to contribute, please do.  If you know someone that qualifies as a model, please refer them.

This is grassroots.  The  soil is tilled and ready.

Last night, I had a very vivid, strange, and oddly realistic dream.

I was a photographer doing a shoot in South America.  I can't remember what I was shooting, but it wasn't anything major (girls on the beach, guys with palm trees... that kind of stuff).

For some reason, I needed to get out of the country without anyone knowing.  I managed to sneak onto a ship with another photographer.  He was a journalist--he was reporting on government corruption, human rights violations, deplorable living conditions; the kinds of things that dictatorial governments don't like publicized.

He'd run this game before.  The ship we were on was a smuggler ship, and everyone there knew him.  And he knew the rules of the ship--and the smuggler sub-culture.

We hid in boxes to get past customs.  That was the easy part.  The smuggler ships were old WWII naval vessels; destroyers, cutters, and other battle-ready ships.  After leaving the harbor, our captain had to fight his way past other smuggler ships intent on capturing his cargo.

Once underway, I was allowed a degree of freedom in the ship.  But every minor social transaction required a bribe.  A candy bar was the typical payment.

The majority of the dream dealt with the minor interactions between myself and the crew.   I was in an ancient--and poorly-maintained--war vessel, in the open seas, with a crew of outlaws who had created their own culture.  The intricacies were fascinating.  The details were precise.  If I had the resources, this could be the basis for an intense movie.

As it is...  it's just another world created and forgotten by my mind.

I just read a post on a friend's business blog that, combined with the week-from-hell I just finished, sparked a thought.

A person's worth is often determined by what they do. Matt (mentioned above) is a world-renouned fiction writer (Don't deny it, Matt. They know about you in Europe, and I'm sure they have repeatedly nouned you.) Another friend owns a successful tech company which has major international clients, others are going for their masters degrees (or PhDs) while almost half my age.

What do I do? I help sell boats.

Doesn't sound all that impressive.

Let's put it into perspective, though. My degree is in technical theatre--designing and implementing lighting and scenery for live performances. My current job title is "Creative Director".

I design and implement all of the advertising for a company with millions of dollars in annual sales. I determine the marketing plan--both short-term and long-term--create the graphics, write the scripts for TV and Radio, and do the voice talent. I take the photos used in our advertising. I develop non-traditional marketing strategies to complement our standard advertising.

For the boat show that's going on this weekend, I built a lighted sign. With the exception of the company logos, every bit of it was my creation. I took the photos, did the layout, designed the physical structure, built and assembled it. During the load-in, 2 different vendors came up and specifically stated how much they liked the sign--that it was creative, impressive, and nicely functional.

I've had national marketing consultants compliment my work without knowing that I was the one who created it.

What I do is small-scale. I know that. I'm not going to change anyone's life with my latest advertisement for pontoon boats. But what I do, I do well. While many people determine a person's worth by their fame and fortune, that's never been a measure for me.

I have a dream of doing something more--something specific--but it's been pulled out of reach for several years now. I may have another chance or two to finally grab it, but even if I don't, I know that I'm doing well at what I do. My value is determined by how much my friends like me and my enemies hate me.

So far, I seem to be doing rather well in both categories.

This past week, I've been watching Babylon 5 again. I finally got seasons 4 & 5. During season 4, Capt. Sheridan is captured trying to save his father from the enemy. His father is used as a powerful leverage against him.

As frightening as it is to say it: this is a situation I have actually thought about on several occasions. The current administration tends to illicit such introspections.

Were I ever placed in a situation where I were forced to sacrifice my morals or my father, I would have 2 things to say: Good-bye, Dad. I love you.

It may sound cruel or heartless, but it's not. I know my father; I know where he would stand on this. He chose to put his life on the line against the Axis forces during WWII. He believes that being right and being free are more important than being alive. And I know that if I gave in to the enemy just to save his life, his anger would make Hurricane Katrina look like a pleasant breeze.

President Bush, along with his yes-men, is holding people in violation of both the US Constitution and international rules of war. He has thrown away hundreds of years of precedent and the rule of law. He has not only allowed, but encouraged torture.

65 years ago, my father was one of the American patriots who risked his life to defeat an enemy who thought such practices were acceptable. Today, the spectre of civil war simmers over the flames of civil rights, military tribunals, and an unrestrained Presidency. Should things come to a boil, I would like to think that I have the courage and commitment to risk everything I have in order to defend the Path of righteousness--just like my father did. I would rather rot in a cell, or die for my beliefs, than have him think me a coward.

Today I gave a young lady a gift.

She didn't refuse it.
She didn't question it.
She didn't make stipulations on acceptance.
She didn't accuse me of nefarious motives.

She just accepted it for what it was: a gift from one friend to another.

Perhaps there are some who understand the nature of friendship.

I'm tired of offering help and being rejected.
I'm tired of talking and hearing only silence.
I'm tired of telling the truth and being told that I'm lying.
I'm tired of giving compliments that get twisted into insults.
I'm tired of offering love and receiving only apathy and hatred.

I am patient, but I am not infinite.
I am tolerant, but I am not without limits.
I am understanding, but I am not stupid.
I am forgiving, but I am not a fool.

Look in the mirror and understand:
If I am distant, it is because you have kept your distance.
If I am insulting, it is because you have been insulting.
If I am cruel, it is because you have been cruel.
If I do not reply it is because you have not replied.
If I am not here, it is because you have not been here.

I am neither your scape goat nor your excuse.
I am neither your whipping boy, nor your garbage heap.

I have fought more demons than you can name.
I have suffered more wounds than I can remember.
I have more scars than you have memories.

No matter how important you are to me, my life will go on without you.

If you will not accept the help I offer, do not cry that no one offered help.
If you will not accept the friendship I offer, do not cry that no one is your friend.
If you will not accept the love I give, do not cry that no one gives you love.

This is who I am.
This is what I am.
This is where I am.

If you will not accept this, you will get nothing.

The fault for your deficiencies lies not upon me.

Sinclaire: Ready?
Delenn: Why do your people always ask if someone is ready right before you're going to do something massively unwise?
Sinclaire: Tradition. [1]

I've been re-watching Babylon 5 over the last couple weeks, and it's struck a few nerves. The series originally ran from February of 1993 to November of 1998. It ended 3 years before the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, and yet so much of its storyline presciently echoes actual events since that date. Unfortunately, this isn't because J Michael Straczynski knew how to predict the future. It was because he understood the past.

The totalitarian concepts depicted in Babylon 5 were, I am sure, pulled from the examples of Soviet Russia, Communist China, and Fascist Germany earlier in the century. The concept of "thought police" and "approved viewpoints" was one that was foreign to the United States when this series aired. But it wasn't unknown in our history. Senator Joseph McCarthy (R, WI, 1947-1957) established and defined that benchmark in the United States.

Our current administration has simply refined the methods.

In Babylon 5, the "Ministry of Peace"[2] decides who is and is not "fit" to be a part of the "new order". The government bases its decisions on the platform of "us first" and "protecting the people from alien influence". They ask citizens to spy on their neighbors and report any "suspicious" behavior (sound familiar?). They require patriotism, and look with suspicion and and derision on those who don't openly and blatantly display the trappings of "patriotism" (or jingoism) (those who don't actively support us are unAmerican and support the enemy" sound familiar?). Loyalty to Earth is paramount ("If you're not with us, you're against us"... sound familiar?). The administration, of its own, decides who is a patriot, and who is a traitor (sound familiar?).

What scares me the most is not that Straczynski could see into the future, but that so many others couldn't see into the past.

[1] Babylon 5, Episode 3x16 "War Without End, Part 1"; timestamp: 42:48
[2] An Orwellian-sounding section of the government, much like the "Department of Homeland Security".

Why is it that gas-station cheeseburgers taste so good when I'm drunk and so bad when I'm sober?

I believe that, in life, we all have a vocation [1]. We all have a calling to which we are drawn. It isn't our career, nor our job, nor even our hobby. It is our purpose. For many, that purpose is selfish. For others it is indifferent. For others it is destructive. For some, it is beneficial. Our vocation little to do with what we do; it is about who we are.

I am a teacher.

I will never be rich, nor will I ever be famous. I won't be a "mover" nor a "shaker". My role as an inspiration is limited, and my position as a hero nonexistent.

I am a teacher.

This isn't my job. I'm not paid to lecture before students and grade tests. I did that for a while, but the politics of academia interfered with my teaching. Perhaps it is better to say that I am a Master--in the sense that I am one who knows and understands, and who imparts that knowledge and understanding unto others.

According to the statistics, I am more than halfway through my life. I have no illusions of where I will be or what I can become. For all that I cast aside the concept of fate and embrace the dream of free will, I have always known one thing: I will die very old, and very alone. To me, this is a fact. However, as with all facts, it is simply a single point of datum within the matrix that is my life.

Regardless of the tasks which I have complete or the titles which I have held, my life has fallen within two descriptions: Student and Teacher--and they have overlapped for as long as I can remember. As a child in grade school, I corrected my teacher, and I challenged the knowledge of the wisest man I knew, and proved him wrong. And yet... I learned so much from them.

I will never be a celebrity, nor a hero, nor a father, nor a husband. I will never know wealth, nor fame, nor prestige. I will always live on the outside--separate, misunderstood, and feared.

None of that matters.

My vocation--my.... fate--is to be a teacher. I change the world on an individual level--one life at a time. I will never receive honors. There will be no monuments to my name. My memory will die with the last person who knows me. But, if I meet the task set before me, my influence and my wisdom will be passed down through the generations to become an irrevocable part of the Human consciousness.

I am who I am. I can be no more, no less. I have knowledge and wisdom to share with those who will listen. My legacy will be silent; it will be anonymous. But it will live on. That is all that matters. It is not about me, nor my name, nor my lineage. It is about the Path of Wisdom.

If my influence has improved the lives of more than it has harmed, then count my life as benefit to the Universe, and can die happy.

Chain not your enemy to yourself,
for thou will thus be chained to your enemy.