"He's a bitter and cynical old man." Words such as these have been used to describe me on more than one ocassion. And there is certainly a grain of truth them. I tend to be cynical, though I deny being bitter. There are days--most days--when I feel far older than the born-on date stamped on my can would suggest.

There is very little that breaks through my armor. I have been exposed to death, abuse, rape, and self-destruction both slow and fast. I am able to look past the emotions and deal with them in a cool and rational manner. Pain and death are parts of life.

I have been disabused of the idealism of my youth. I don't believe anyone can be trusted completely. There is no such thing as love at first sight. The human animal is a beast at home in destruction and violence.

Yet every armor has it's chinks. Every defense has a weakness.

Mine is space.

35 years ago we stood on the moon. We, through the proxy of two heroic men, place our feet upon the surface of another world.

And then, we looked away and forgot.

Mankind has a destiny, and that destiny is not bound to this ball of rock and sand. We belong out there. And it drives painfully to the core of my soul to know that we aren't. "If God had wanted Man to fly, he'd have given him wings." But don't you see? God did just that! He gave us a power of intellect and a capacity to create, and a drive to explore. He didn't put feathers on our backs, He put rockets in our minds. God gave us science. He gave us desire. He gave us eyes to see the stars, and minds to question what's out there. He gave us the power to lift ourselves off this world and explore the very heavens.

And we sit here, our feet sunk in the mud, our eyes looking to our neighbor's land, and our minds locked in the pettiness of jealousy and envy and hatred.

And those who do dare to step beyond the rock? They've become cautious. They've become afraid. Barely a score of persons in the last 4 decades have given their lives in this greatest of explorations. Nearly 38,000 children will die today from poverty and starvation. 5,000 times that died in one flood in Vietnam. Almost 8 times more police officers were killed in the line of duty in 1 year.

20 lives over 40 years. Is this too high a price to pay for the infinity of space? We toss away that many lives in a moment just to capture a piece of dessert sand.

We have forgotten the stars, because we're too busy digging through the mud.

Someone mentioned the Moon.....

The author looks up at the mention of that mystic sphere, his eyes darker and deeper than is his apt.
I am but soon to see the 30th anniversary of my birth, and yet I remember--if that be the right word--somewhere within my soul, the dream and meaning of reaching out to the moon, the stars, and the intangible veil that is space beyond.

There are few thoughts which can bring a tear to my jaded eyes, or a fired grasp to my oft-times hardened heart. The thought that I may--indeed shall--never set foot off this land that is Earth and onto a soil which is truly foreign, is fore among them. I would leave behind all that I have, and all whom I love, even to die upon arrival, if only to touch that space which is space, and set forward the pace of Humanity to tame the endless wild as is our eternal call.

What happened, you ask? Where went the Dream?

It fell before a bullet in the streets of Dallas. It burned thrice brighter than Hell's fires before the eyes of the brickhouse and the world. It died a weeks dead one boy at a time in the jungles of a ravaged Asia. It died in promises to bury us, and threats to protect us. It is difficult to turn your eyes to the sky when your hands are running with blood.

Where went the Dream?

It died with the innocence of America. It slipped quietly from the heart as our perfection slowly shattered under the cruel weight of reality. It suffocated in the apathy of self-realization, and the illusions of escape fed hour by hour to the masses.

Where went the Dream?

It lay struggling, it's flesh picked piece by piece from it's body by fear, greed, youth, and revolution. It leapt to the sky only to die seven deaths, and fall again to the earth, it's pale white blossom burned forever into the eyes of the dreamers and the world.

Where went the Dream?

It reached out to embrace the world, only to find that the world no longer Dreamed.

And so it lays: in fine dress, cold and still in a box of white satin, calmly waiting for those too young to remember the dreams to find the Dream again.

--Aug. 5, 1998

This post is something that's been building for a while. It took an episode of The West Wing to bring it out.

I want to say, first of all, that I am an American. I have always taken pleasure and pride in the fact that I had the great fortune to be born in the country that is arguably the greatest nation on Earth. It offers a dream and a promise unlike any other nation. It is a young and vibrant country, a leader in innovation, a wilderness in the ideological realm of ideology, a beacon of hope in a world of stagnation and dispair.

I have always loved my country....

.... until now.

I despise my country.

We have always been a puritanical, contradictory, hypocritical nation. We bemoan crime while being the most criminal nation; we profess our piety while giving rise to serial killers; we promote our righteousness while we prop up dictators and despots.

I am neither a republican nor a democrat; neither a conservative nor a liberal. There are issues on all sides of the fence that I am passionate about. First among those are personal choice and personal responsibility. But there are things that gnaw at me.

Our leadership--no. Our representation, for their job is not to tell us what to do, but to listen to what we say--has, for decades, if not longer, taken us down a self-destructive path of false morality and self-agrandizing piety. They have told us that drugs are the the problem, not the people who choose to use them. They have supported terrorists and murderers, and wrapped themselves in the flag. They have taken us to war, and told us we'd be greeted with flowers and candy--instead of the bombs and mortar shells we actually recieved.

America proclaims itself to be "The land of the free". The truth of the matter is that we are one of the most puritanical hypocritical nations on the globe. The middle-east is filled with repressive regimes. At least they have the decency to admit what they are. The US says it's about freedom and personal responsibility--and then it represses its citizens, creates laws which toss the Constitution into the gutter, in a drive to create a nation which is "God-fearing" and "moral".

Our "leaders"--both left and right--think that they know what's best for us. They have forgotten the 9th and 10th Amendments. They want to enforce their own view--their own morality--upon 300 million people. And they are insidious. They whittle away at our rights. They take power in small ways. Even in the highest forums, those emenating from the white halls of the capital city, they sneak their moralist powers in through back doors and dark alleys. They use adminstrative authority and hidden riders to effect their changes. They don't place their desires in front of the scrutiny of Congress, where it can be deliberated, debated, and disected; revealed for the opressive tyrany it is. They're afraid of the light. They're afraid of the eyes of the public.

And yet.... they have no cause to be. For the public are sheep. They march in lockstep behind the banners of their "leaders"; they toe the party line, they trust the voice of authority.... they believe the lies.

We profess to believe in freedom, and yet we quash it at every turn. We--through the voice of "Authority"--tell people who they may love, who they may marry, how they may show that love. They seek to tell us what we may read, what we may watch, what we may know. They tell us that they must revoke freedoms to keep us free. They must cage us to retain our liberty. They must take away our defenses in order to protect us.

Orwell was 20 years too early.

The "land of the free and the home of the brave" is a nation of deceit and opression; a populace of blindness and fear.

I am an American.

I love my country...... and I despise what it has become.

Note the address.

10Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.

11The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.

12I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.

13And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.

14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

--Luke 18:10-14 (King James Version)

Today, Spaz said he'd gotten hit by a burst of civic duty and wanted to do something to support the troops (he's former military), but didn't know what to do. He made a very important distinction (which inspired this post): He wanted to do something to support the troops, not show that he supported them.

This is the modern version of the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. There are a million and one ways to "show your support" out there: flags, bumper stickers, t-shirts, wrist bands, and those fucking ribbon magnets (tangent: Have you noticed how many people put them at a 45° angle...so the words are level? ARG!). To me, those are the Pharisees: They buy something, slap it on their car or their body, and say to everyone: Look how good I am! I support our troops! And they make sure that everybody knows it. How many of them would consider volunteering even one Saturday at the VA, helping out the injured who've come home? How many would go to the Red Cross and help box up Red Cross Packages for the soldiers? How many have actually *done* something?

There are those who say that anything short of signing up for military service is hypocracy. Frankly, that's bullshit. Not everyone is a soldier. Even during the hieght of WWII, when every able-bodied man was up for the draft, people knew that there are those who can do more good somewhere other than on the field of battle. In today's high-tech military, that's even more true. "They also serve who stand and wait."

I despise this war. It's a tragic farce; the attempt of a small-minded and pathetic man to make a mark on history. But he's not the one paying the price. The men and women on the ground in Afghanistan (remember that place?) and Iraq are the ones paying for his mark in the history books; paying for it with their blood and their minds.

I want to make one thing clear: These people all made a choice to enter the military. They volunteered for a job that had the very real possibility of putting them into combat; a job that meant they may trade their lives for their paychecks. Any one of them that signed up thinking "that'll never happen to me" was a fool. They are soldiers: this is what they do. That does not, however, excuse the administration for wasting their lives for a lie.

These soldiers don't have a choice. They go where they are told to go, they do what they are told to do. This is not their war. This is not their fault. There is no contradiction in holding those who started the war in utter contempt, and yet holding those who are actually fighting it in the highest respect.

If you really want to support the troops, then be like the Tax Collector in the parable: do something. Volunteer at the VA or the Red Cross, help the families who are having to deal with fathers and mothers who are on the other side of the world for who knows how long, give blood, or go to a place like anysoldier.com and give something directly to the soldiers, not to some magnet salesman.

Do something because it's what you believe in--because it's the right thing to do--not because it's the fashionable thing to do. And certainly not so that other people can see what you do.

If you give so that others may see you give, it isn't a gift. It's an investment in ego.

65 is NOT a left-lane speed.

You have a rear-view mirror, use it!

Amazingly enough, cars exist in places other than directly in front of you. Look before you change lanes!

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING MAGNETIC RIBBONS, ALREADY!

If someone behind you wants to go faster than you and you have room to move over a lane, move your ass over.

It's not a dining room, it's a car. Eat your damn cereal at home!

It's not a dressing table, it's a car. Put on your make up at home!

Pedal on the right: USE IT!

Yesterday, the employees of this school district were required to attend a workshop on "Customer Relations Through the Lens of Race". When we first heard about it, we all reacted the same way: curses, mumbled gripes, and utter annoyance.

It turned out that this workshop wasn't what we'd expected; it was just a workshop on how to provide good customer service. The issue of race was only touched upon briefly, and in a context that didn't push it at all.

Why were we all bitching about having to attend? Becuase of past experience. We've previously been required to attend a day-long workshop produced by Glen Singleton. The purpose of that workshop boiled down to telling us we're all racists, and pointing out examples of just how bad we all are. I've bitched about that workshop in here before.

The one thing that drove me nuts about the Singleton workshop was the "new way" to deal with differences in race (and other things such as disabilities, presumably): It's rude to treat everyone the same regardless of race. You must first determine their race (culture, disability, etc), and then adjust your behavior to accomodate that factor. This means you're not a customer who happens to be black, you're a "black customer". You're not a co-worker who happens to be in a wheelchair, you're a "handicapped co-worker". You're not a vendor who happens to be a woman, you're a "female vendor". The category is more important than the role.

I disagree with this. I feel that I deal with the person first, then take into consideration any differences that I may need to.

So... with all the friends I have who fall into all sorts of sub-categories of race, age, culture, subculture, disability, and such, I want to ask:

Would you rather that I be "colorblind" and deal with differences as a secondary consideration? Or should I identify those differences first, and adjust my behavior accordingly? *

* There's absolutely no guarantee that I'll change my behaviour, but I'd like to know people's feelings on this.

(Crossposted to LJ)

Tonight, my mom gave me a box full of things she has saved for the last 36 years--a baby blanket, report cards, one baby shoe (the other is lost to posterity), old photos, my lamb.....

She had a similar box of each of the 4 of us who grew up together (my brother Joey grew up with his own mother). I don't know what's all in the box. I haven't opened it up yet. I think this weekend, I will. Maybe tomorrow.

I've already decided that I'm going to turn on the webcam and let it run. I'll post the archive in the gallery. I'll scan in some of the photos and notes, and other such things. Some of it will be to let others laugh at the notion of me as a child. Some of it will be to point out interesting things.

But mostly, it's for one person.

You say you're an open book to me. I'm opening more pages of myself to you. Laugh, learn, understand.

An anonymous commenter posted in my LJ regarding my statement about the legal status of 2257. The part of that comment I want to respond to is this:

Title 18 U.S.C. § 2257 is a law enacted by Congress, the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1988, in which the Attorney General of the United States must issue regulations detailing the specifics of the record keeping requirements mandated by Congress:

(g) The Attorney General shall issue appropriate regulations to carry out this section.

Both I and the commenter were both right and wrong. Let me explain:

The section of the US Code described as Title 18 U.S.C. § 2257 has been passed by Congress. That's how it gets to be a title in the US Code. However, the actual "guts" of this law were left up to the Attorney General. There's a key word in section (g): "appropriate". The regulations enacted by Gonzales aren't "appropriate". They're entirely inappropriate, in my view.

Why?

Take a look at the name of the act: "the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1988". Note the date. 1988. This law was not meant to deal with pronography on the World Wide Web, because the Web didn't exist then. Yes, there were networked computers--on universities and research sites. And there were dial-up billboards--but they weren't that common. People didn't have modems in their homes like they do now. There weren't websites, and homepages, and there certainly weren't camgirls.

Letting the Attorney General apply his power to the internet based on the original law is like letting a farmer use the laws written for carriages and apply them to rocketships. There has been a leap of technology which makes the old law inapplicable to the new medium. It was not written for the internet, it was not intended for the internet, and the Attorney General is overstepping his bounds in applying it to the internet.

If this were dealing with the food industry, it would be like saying that Mrs Smith, who sells strawberries at the local farmers' market would be required to follow the same regulations as Kraft Foods.

The original law was written to deal with proper record keeping in the pornography industry. That's a reasonable law. The new regulations--far beyond the scope of what Congress could possibly envisioned--puts an exessive burden of paperwork onto extended levels of the distribution network.

Sunny has started up a new website called The Camgirl Union to help explain some of what these new regulations mean. (The site was just registered, so it may not be accessible yet--but check back, it'll be there.)

Here are a few excerpts:

You must:

- Keep records of the photo IDs, full legal names, birth dates and "stage names" of every person who appears on your site in any sexually explicit way. This includes yourself and if you have a cam portal, anyone who appears on there.

You are now responsible for every picture of every person who is on your website. If you have a program such as FAP running, you have to get all that information on everybody who is "sexually explicit" on their cam. There appears to be no definition of exactly what "sexually explicit" means, however. That's apparently up to the judgement of the Department of Justice.

- Keep a copy of every sexually explicit image or video that you display on your site - even cam portal images, regardless of if your portal archives or not. Even if you delete it from your site, your records must still contain every sexually explicit work you've ever placed on your website. You can only delete them after you haven't had them on your site for 7 years.

You must now keep a copy of every single image for 7 years. Think about that. 7 years of images. And not just the images: all the associated data that goes with them.

- Keep a "cross reference" database to allow someone who wants to look up every image that a specific person has been in, or the other way around... Which people are in a specfic image. You can't just tell an investigator "I'm in all of them", there must be a list that's always updated.

I have a friend (in Canada, so blessedly exempt from this bullshit) who has a cam running continuously; a new pic every 15 seconds.... except it's actually *always* grabbing new pics, but each viewer's interface grabs a capture every 15 seconds. Within that 15 second span, it is not only possible, but is quite probable that there will be at least 14 more pictures that other people have captured. She's required to archive every possible moment that has been captured and enter all the relevant data into a database.

- You must keep these records on a seperate hard drive, CD or paper filing system from any other records you keep. "(e) Records required to be maintained under this part shall be segregated from all other records, shall not contain any other records, and shall not be contained within any other records."

If you put your grocery list on the same hard drive, you're breaking the law. And I won't even get into the technicalities regarding the fact that, the way that's worded, using an OS or other file manager might be technically illegal.

- You must publish on every "entry" page into your site, and every page that displays any sexually explicit images or videos, a link that says "18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping
Requirements Compliance Statement". This link must be in a font size no smaller than the second-largest font size on the page, and must be in a color that contrasts with your background color. This link must open in a new window, and display a notice containing your legal name, your business' name, and your street address.

If you have a header with a font that's at 300% of normal, and a header that you use twice that's at 250% of normal with all the rest of your text at normal, the link would have to be at 250% of normal. 200% would be illegal.

- Law enforcement officers are permitted to inspect your records every 4 months. They are permitted to show up without notice. If you don't keep regular 9-5 hours, you must give them a 20 hour window during the week to come inspect if they wish. They can make copies of whatever they want (at their expense) while inspecting.

This is perhaps the scariest part. It completely tosses out the 4th amendment. The DOJ is allowed to walk into your home without a warrant, without prior notice, and can, so it appears, inspect your entire computer network looking for illegal materials. What's also written in the rules, but not stated in Sunny's synopsis, is that they are not prevented from doing other investigation while they're in your home:

(f) Other law enforcement authority. These regulations do not restrict the otherwise lawful investigative prerogatives of an investigator while conducting an inspection.

(g) Seizure of evidence. Notwithstanding any provision of this part or any other regulation, a law enforcement officer may seize any evidence of the commission of any felony while conducting an inspection.

This is a blank check for DOJ investigators to enter any camgirl's house every 4 months and look for anything they want--4th Amendment be damned.

I'm sorry, but the Attorney General does NOT have the power to overturn the Constitution.

This is why I say that these new regulations are not a law, but rather the extreme overreaching of the Attorney General.

I forsee the rise of Nehemiah Scudder.

*A tip of the hat to Robert A Heinlein