Now that I've gotten time to play with my site some more (with more playing yet to come!), I decided to reactivate TC's webcam plugin. It's a nifty little WP plugin that places your webcam image into the most recent post in WP.

I'll try to remember to upload a copy so people can download it if they want.

Look for more exciting changes in the days to come! (umm.. okay... maybe not "exciting", but... well.. they'll be changes.)

My last 3 posts were about inner demons, truth, and forgiveness. Little did I know how prophetic they would be.

A few days ago, I confronted another's inner demons. I saw a great deal of truth behind the mask. And I must now contemplate forgiveness.

I'm no stranger to demons, nor to ugly truths. Forgiveness, however, is something distant. For those close to me, I understand them so well, that there is nothing to forgive. I understand their reasons--be it fear, or desire, or compassion--and I know that there is no transgression. There is nothing to forgive.

For those who betray me.... I've never reached a point where forgiveness was asked. ...Or was even possible. I have, with a word, walked away from 15 years of friendship and never looked back.

This... this is something I could walk away from; But my recent posts make me pause and wonder.... where does forgiveness lie in my universe?

There are those that say you know the truth of a man when you put him to his worst. The trials of Jōb. Take from a man all that he loves, subject him to deprevations and tortures, and then you will see the true measure of the man.

I say they are wrong.

To see the true man, place before him that which he desires. Offer to him the thing he craves in his heart and in his soul... Then set the price too high.

It is simple to take the high ground when there is nothing left to lose. But where stands the man when offered heaven... at only the cost of a soul; whether his or another's?

I do not trust the man who has lost the Earth only to find God.

I do not doubt the man who has refused Heaven rather than harm another.

If Lucifer were to kneel before the throne of God and honestly beg forgiveness.... Would it be granted?

I wear upon my skin a reminder of what lies within me.

People ask me why I don't "let go". They ask why I won't get high with them. They ask why I always want to be in control. They don't understand. It's not that I want to. It's that I must.

When I get "gently playful", I leave bruises. When I "lightly nibble", I draw blood. When others see my actions as "too agressive", I know that I'm actively restraining myself.

This isn't a metaphor, it's a reality. This isn't teen angst--I left that behind a couple decades ago. This isn't hyperbole--if anything, it's understatement. This isn't something which imposes itself upon me--it's something which comes from within me; a part of me.

Friends ask why I don't give up control and let myself go once in a while. The answer is simple: if I were out of control, it is not unlikely that someone would end up dead. And I'm afraid.... that I might enjoy it too much.

So I will continue to see the reminders in the mirror, the marks upon flesh, and the memories in my mind's eye, and I will maintain my control.

My e-mail was down for a little bit {Shakes fist at webhost....} umm... oh. damn. {hangs head in shame}. So... if you e-mailed me and it bounced back, I'm not really dead or something.

More specifically, the lost art of "porch sitting". What is porch sitting, you ask? Quite simply, it's "sitting on the porch and watching the world go by."

I had a friend over this weekend, and we spent about 7 hours on Sunday, just sitting on the front porch, enjoying the warmth, watching the cars and the pedestrians, and talking. We drank coffee, ate some cinnamon rolls, and just sat there enjoying the day.

Pretty damn fine way to spend a sunday in the Wisconsin springtime.

A week later, and I can still smell your smoke on my sweater; the earthy sent of the oils you wear.

I still hear "yes"...
...and "no".

I still see the light of your eyes...
...and feel the smoothness of your cheek.

I still taste the fire of the air that surrounds you.

... And I stop, to inhale again, and let it wash over me once again.

Site is up.
Blog is themed.
Calendar is themed.

And now comes the tweaking.

Several sections of the site are aren't available at the moment--editorials, stories, etc. I'll be moving those over to WP as 'pages', but it's going to take some time. Little by little it'll get there, though.

About the new site design:

It's been a couple years since I built the site the way it stands right now. Since then I've "borged" extra pieces onto it. It's a kludge. It's unstructured, and messy, and cluttered. It was, pure and simple, time for a major house-cleaning.

My goal with the new site is to create something that is cleaner; easier to navigate and read. I'm also trying to leave it open enough that expansion and modification is easy. I'm trying to leave some room so that when I gain new skills, I can use them to plug in new features. There will be a couple small "tricks" in the new version--just simple things such as pure-CSS mouse-overs and transparancies. Some of these features won't work in IE. And, quite frankly, I don't care. When I design for others, I have to constrain myself to the limits of IE. When I'm designing for myself, I can do things the way I want. If you'd like to see the site the way I intend it to be, download FireFox.

The content of the site is 100% original. I designed all the graphics, built the CSS & layout, wrote all the html and text. Of course, the installed applications such as WordPress and Gallery aren't mine. But I have (or will have, when I get that far) designed (or modified) the themes for them to make them match the overall design of the site. And, in the case of Gallery, that's quite a feat.

I'm sure that a lot of people who know me will look at the new design and get somewhat confused; "Blaze designed that?? But... it's ..... light and open! " Yep. It is. When I make a change, I make a change

I hope you like the new look. And if not? Too bad. I do.

The gallery, calendar, and (as you can see) this blog, still need to be converted over. But that's tomorrow's job.