I know it's a cliche, but..... Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if you'd never been born?

Honestly take a look at your life--the things you've done, the people you've met--and ask yourself: What would it be like if I had never existed.

I know that there are those whom I have hurt.... but I have to look at the larger picture. It's not about the hurt, it's about the entire interaction. I can't speak to all the relationships, but I *do* believe this: Of those I have hurt, the vast majority fall into 2 categories: Those who would have followed the same path with a different person, and those who gained far more from me than what I took from them.

When I look at my life, I say--without arrogance and without pride--that I have created more good than I have pain. And even of the pain, much has only been the price of growth; stones on the Path of wisdom. There are times that require a catharsis; a purging of dead flesh and destructive ghosts through the searing flames of understanding and desire.

I may not be a hero. I may not have fame or fortune. Things may often look dark, and the weight of choices may feel like it's crushing the spark from my soul... but I know that the good I have done--the good that I have given--far outweighs the evil I have allowed to happen.

What would the world be without me? It would be smaller by a handfull of people. It would be far sadder by a score. And it would be more ignorant by an order of magnitude.

If I were to die today, I believe that both Anubis and St. Peter would find the scales--however slightly--to tip in my favor. However, I've never been a man to gamble against the House, so I will continue on the Path which will tip the odds in my favor. For no matter how far the scales may tip, I know that the weight of my sins will never vanish from darker plate, and their weight will always be with me.

Want to get a little perspective on the universe? This guy has built a webpage that is a scale model of a hydrogen atom.

Read the short explanation, and take note of the width of the page.

When I was a teacher, there was a young girl (I'll call her Katie) who went to my high school. At the age of 16, she decided that she wanted to be a mother--not in the future, but then. She was 16. She got married that year, and got pregnant. Her family backed her decision fully.

I saw her in the grocery store last week. She's in her early 20s now (and quite sexy, I must say), and her little boy is about 5 or 6. She was explaining measurements to him as she was weighing vegetables. He was asking questions and talking away.

While they were standing in the checkout line, she politely shushed him, and looked around to see if anyone was bothered. I had to smile. I was only 8 or 10 feet away, and the boy's voice was no louder than anyone else's. When I got in line, however, there was a young girl (10 or so) who was loudly going on about how daddy really needed to buy her something from the rack. By comparison, Katie's boy was exceptionally well-behaved.

What's my point? Teen pregnancy. We are continually told that teen pregnancy is a horrible thing. It destroys the lives of the mothers, and degrades society as a whole. But nobody tells us why. Why are teen pregnacies bad? Because we've decided that they're bad. Teen pregnancy is shamefull because we've chosen to shame teens who become pregnant. It's recursive logic.

The notion that teenagers are too young to have children is a rather recent development. Throughout history, young people have been having children, and it's been considered "normal". Katie is a perfect example of why the "teen pregnancy is bad" mentality is wrong. She made a conscious decision. She had the support of her family. Her child was born from love, and was raised in a loving environment. And from the little I saw of him, he is a bright, well-behaved young man. Katie, herself, is healthy, well-educated, loving, and "normal". There are no bad consequences.

Teen pregnancy has been villafied. And the facts have been twisted. I once listened to a speech where the presenter quoted the fact that "80% of teen pregnancies involve women under the age of 20" [1] Read that carefully. 80% of teen pregnancies involve..... teens. That would imply that the other 20% involve women who are not teens.

Another thing these statistics never state is how many of these "teen pregnancies" are women who are happily married and having children by choice. Getting married at 18 and bringing a child into that family when the mother is 19 is not a horrible thing. But we choose to paint those happy families in the same light as the 14-year-old drug-addict runaway who "gets knocked up" and ends up living on welfare, or out on the streets.

I have to wonder... What would our society be like if, instead of branding these young women with a metaphorical Scarlet Letter, we accepted them as part of the community and helped them to raise their children in a loving and supportive environment? If we allowed them to finish school, to go on to college, to pursue careers?

Perhaps the right thing to do (the Christian thing to do?) would be to stop condemning and persecuting these young women, but rather to accept them, love them, support them, and help them. Even if the pregnancy was a mistake, wouldn't it be better for all--the mother, the child, society--if we gave them love and support, encouraged both mother and child toward self-betterment, and accepted them as a vital and contributory part of our culture?

I look at Katie and I see the perfect example of what a mother should be. Why should we destroy all that just because of numbers on a calendar? Why should we destroy her? What possible purpose could it serve?

[1] I can't remember the exact percentage, but it was somewhere between 70% and 90%.

For those of you who are on IRC, I've got a channel of my own now. It's nothing spectacular--just a place where a few friends hang out and talk--but it there and it's mine.

It's on ibusy.fdfnet.net (or irc.fdfnet.net --but ibusy is nice and stable). Just /join #dragonflydreams and say hello.

If you aren't familiar with IRC, I suggest downloading mIRC. It's one of the most popular IRC clients, and it's easy to use. Plus there's a ton of info out there on how to use it.

Well, not quite, but it does have a terminal disease that even the god-like powers of Bones can't cure.

I am, of course, talking about my laptop. It turns out that the problem isn't with the fans (I didn't even know there were 2 of them), it's with the bus strip that powers them. It, you see, actually is dead. And a transplant isn't an option. It requires replacing the mother board.

Including labor and 2 new fans (the bearings are shot), I'm looking at a minimum of $800 in repairs. And that doesn't even include the new hinge or repairing the phono jack.

What it boils down to is that I'm buying a new laptop. One I wasn't planning on, didn't want, and can't really afford. {sigh}

I'll proably buy the $30 cooling pad for this one and keep it as a backup. You never know when a hot babe is going to knock on the door and ask to use your laptop.

Now that I've decided that I have to buy a new laptop, the hardest part is waiting until Monday to talk with the guys who diagnosed the problem to see if they can build a custom configuration for me that meets the specs of the box I'm looking at, and do it for a lower price.

It's part of my personality that, when I've made a decision, I want to act on it promptly. There are, of course, exceptions to this. I'm a patient man in most areas. But that tends to relate to situations with long-term goals and results. When it comes to buying things, however, the "do it now" mentality tends to take precedence.

{sigh} I guess I'll turn on the "patience" switch and deal with it for a couple days.

My laptop (my primary computer) has had a series of aches and sniffles for a while. Well... today it came down with a full-grade fever and passed out. So, tomorrow I'll be taking it to see a computer doctor.

Depending on how long it takes to fix, I may be offline for a day or two (hopefully not more). I may be forced to actually get out of my chair and do something. {Gasp!}

Good Luck!

I'm rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm at the part where Angel loses his soul. Buffy's reaction to his new behavior is somewhat severe.

I wonder... have I ever made a woman feel like that? Have I ever wounded someone that much? How many tears have been shed in my name?

I was up visiting my parents tonight, and mom made a comment about the fact that I seem to have a social circle of strange people.

Yeah. I do.

It's also true that without exception (that I can recall), all of my female friends are gorgeous. Now... there's a very wide range of physical appearances, from the tomboy look to the fashion-model look, from Twiggy-types to Marilyn-types... but they're all gorgeous. Hell... I've got one friend that's down-right "beefy" (twice the size of her husband), with combat boots and scarlet hair (at least the last time I saw her). But she's still gorgeous.

The thing is... it's all in the personalities. They may range from ultra-submissive to ultra-dominant, but they all have strong personalities. They stand out.

The same with the guys. They all--men and women--have strong personalities. Yeah... they're weird (far weirder than my mom could handle, if she ever learned the truth of it), but they're intelligent, creative, insightful, sensual, fun, and... well... weird.

I like that.

I dreamt of you the other night.
Nothing naughty, just a dream.

I was sifting through pictures and came across the prom pics. Sitting at the piano.... that smile that lights up the room.

And that night, under the moon... I sat beside you and we talked.

It was a good dream. One which I'd like to dream again.

Hugs and smiles in the middle of the night make me feel good.

Let them ring.