The Law of the Bible

Today's edit is inspired by a couple of different items. The first of these is Pat Robertson and those who share his views--if not his enthusiasm. I do feel justified in referring to Mr. Robertson as an 'item', despite technical evidence which might suggest that this is not quite proper. There are occasions when technical evidence is superseded by old-fashioned 'appropriateness'. The second item of inspiration originates in a series of conversations I've been involved in on the internet. A group with which I converse regularly is currently discussing the biblical laws and Jewish tradition involved in the concepts of 'kosher' and 'kashrut'--a rather enlightening discussion if I do say so. What does Jewish law have to do with Pat Robertson? They fit together quite nicely, I find.

It seems that Mr. Robertson, and many other fundamentalist Christians, have a dislike for homosexuals. According to Old Pat, they're bad enough to actually effect the weather--a thing up till now only accomplished by car washes and some Mexican man named Al Niño. The fundamentalists cite the Bible as the source of their disapproval of homosexual acts--and homosexuals supposedly. I have my Bible right here in front of me. Now, before we begin, I will make note that my Bible is that heretical version, "The Saint Joseph" edition, authorized by the blasphemous, Mother-of-Harlots, Papist conspiracy known as the Catholic Church. A church which traces its progression in an unbroken line back to Saint Peter obviously knows nothing about Christianity. But as it's the only version I have handy, I'll use it.

The fundamentalists cite Leviticus 18:22. Let me look here.....Yep. There it is. "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination". Well, it seems that they are justified then. While we have the Bible open here, let's see what else it has to say. Since Leviticus is being cited for the current views on homosexuality, it only follows that the rest of the rules laid forth here must also be applicable.

19:27, this looks like a good one. "Do not clip your hair at the temples, nor trim the edges of your beard". Oh. Hmm. I guess that means that Norelco is decidedly anti-Christian. Time to start setting up the boycott. Wait a minute...isn't Old Pat clean shaven with neatly trimmed sideburns? I must be mistaken.

Okay, how about 19:19? ..."And do not put on a garment woven with two different kinds of thread." Well, there you have it, poly-cotton blends are forbidden. As are those cotton-raymie blends. Hey, it's in the Bible. Black and white, straight from God. Can't argue with that now, can we?

And, of course, all proper fundamentalists offer up their holocausts and cereal offerings (Lv 1:1-2:16) and keep kosher (Lv 11:1-46). A proper Christian woman does, of course, sacrifice the regulation 2 turtle doves (or pigeons) as a sin offering and holocaust to regain her cleanliness after her menstrual flow (Lv 15:28-30). After all, it's in the book of Leviticus, so it must be followed. It's only right and proper that all good Christians should follow Jewish Law.

Remember, the Bible is the Word of God. God wrote it using humans as his hands. A proper Christian can't go ignoring what's in the Bible. Except for those parts that don't apply to them. Luckily for us, we have people like Pat Robertson to let us know what parts of God's Word don't apply to us. Pat has a direct line to God, and therefore editorial power. It seems that God got some of that stuff wrong. Pat knows which parts it was, don't worry.

Well, it's time for me to work on being a Christian--a follower of Christ. Yep. Gonna read up on Christ and all his teachings and learn how to be someone Old Pat, the Editor in Chief, would be proud of. I might as well start right here in Leviticus. That seems to be one of Pat's favorite sections. Hmmm. I'm going to have to take this Bible back. I seem to have gotten a defective one. I've read through all of Leviticus, and someone left out any mention of Jesus. Must be that Liberal-Papist conspiracy at work.